Mevio Men

Fists in the air — it’s time for MetalliKittens!

Yeah that’s right, heavy metal about cats. Cute, cuddly, purring little pussies. In actuality this metal madness is really touching on addiction. Addiction of an unlikely sort that all began like most dependencies, born in good fun that spiraled out of control.

It all started with that first search of “kitten videos” on YouTube. A harmless hunt for a few minutes of entertainment. But then it seemed a little wasn’t enough. It needed to be cuter. It needed to be funnier. Pretty soon nothing could ever satisfy the desire to get that original pleasure.

Kittens riding vacuums, kittens hanging out with pigs, kittens hanging out with monkeys, kittens on treadmills, kittens staring into the mirror, kittens – everywhere.

The cats became life. The subject all thoughts revolved around. Every conversation, every email, every IM – all about the cats. All you want to do.

Now if this scenario isn’t hard enough for for a heavy metal song — I don’t know what is. Yeah, it’s a pretty wussy addiction. One that I wouldn’t tell your friends about, but nonetheless it can drive you into the darkest corners of life. Here, proof is in the pudding:

Have a cat of your own to take care of use discount code Men10 at PetCo and receive 10% off your order. Yeah!

Is this true? 90 percent?

According to new research, it certainly is. The American Chemical Society (no, I’m not kidding), a nonprofit, scientific society chartered by Congress released a study that claims up to 90 percent of all paper money in the U.S. contains traces of cocaine. Of the 5 countries studied, the U.S. and Canada had the highest levels tested.

China had the lowest.

However, their money had the highest trace levels of MSG.

Oh, I kid.

By the way, did you happen to see that photo of Ryan Seacrest standing on a box? Or perhaps the story about how the band KISS will release their first new album of all new material in 11 years… but only at WalMart?

Yeah, that’s right KISS fans, you want the new KISS album, you’re gonna have to go to WalMart and get it. No iTunes, no Amazon…

Walmart. Perhaps the largest single retailer of physical music media in the U.S.

Also one of the biggest censors of artistic freedom, refusing to carry certain mainstream artist’s work that they deem offensive to their flyover state customers.

So Rock and Roll, which used to be about protest and keeping out from under the thumb of “the man” is just all about making money at the expense of integrity. Don’t get me started…

And as you go and get your cheap tube socks and baby formula, make sure you swing by the music department at Walmart to get your new KISS album.

Weekend Update can eat me. All this and ALL THE NEWS WE CHOOSE TO ABUSE on the hilarious new episode of THINGS I LEARNED THIS WEEK.