Mevio Men

Okay, I continue to enjoy the weirdness that surrounds anything and everything “Michael Jackson” but this is starting to get ridiculous…

And I love it.

So, if the rumor is true, and I have to tell you that I hope it is… no, I hope and pray that it is, if only for my own amusement, then it means the Home Alone star’s, um… donation was used to impregnate a surrogate of Michael’s choosing and…

Yeah, it’s just all too strange. Too deliciously strange. But I have the scoop on it this week.

Along with a big revelation about a particular image taken from video some hiker shot in Poland that supposedly shows the YETI. Yes, I said it “Yeti” as in Chinese Bigfoot or whatever it is. Except that this Yeti was seen in the mountains of Poland… (insert joke here).

Then of course, for those of you who missed it… let’s not forget about NUDESTOCK… that’s right, 3 days of peace, music and naked people.

Whatever you do, don’t take the brown acid, please…

All this and plenty more news I choose to abuse on this brand-spankin’ new episode of THINGS I LEARNED THIS WEEK! Did I say spankin’?

Is this true? 90 percent?

According to new research, it certainly is. The American Chemical Society (no, I’m not kidding), a nonprofit, scientific society chartered by Congress released a study that claims up to 90 percent of all paper money in the U.S. contains traces of cocaine. Of the 5 countries studied, the U.S. and Canada had the highest levels tested.

China had the lowest.

However, their money had the highest trace levels of MSG.

Oh, I kid.

By the way, did you happen to see that photo of Ryan Seacrest standing on a box? Or perhaps the story about how the band KISS will release their first new album of all new material in 11 years… but only at WalMart?

Yeah, that’s right KISS fans, you want the new KISS album, you’re gonna have to go to WalMart and get it. No iTunes, no Amazon…

Walmart. Perhaps the largest single retailer of physical music media in the U.S.

Also one of the biggest censors of artistic freedom, refusing to carry certain mainstream artist’s work that they deem offensive to their flyover state customers.

So Rock and Roll, which used to be about protest and keeping out from under the thumb of “the man” is just all about making money at the expense of integrity. Don’t get me started…

And as you go and get your cheap tube socks and baby formula, make sure you swing by the music department at Walmart to get your new KISS album.

Weekend Update can eat me. All this and ALL THE NEWS WE CHOOSE TO ABUSE on the hilarious new episode of THINGS I LEARNED THIS WEEK.

…are not the same person.

At least I hope not. For some of you out there, I can’t really be sure. Sure there’s something about powerful women that makes certain guys’ pants kinda tight and yes, if you watch that clip of her dancing she sure rocks out those cankles.

But still.

I’m just gonna come out and say it. If Hillary Clinton is your virtual girlfriend then you may want to spend more time outdoors. Or at the very least enjoy the dancing clip in this episode.

However, if you’re open to a non-Hillary Clinton version of a virtual girlfriend then this iPhone app I discuss is probably right up your alley. Still, however, I recommend spending more time outdoors.

And lastly, if after spending many hours with your virtual girlfriend, you decide to treat Minnie Mouse the way a certain guy did at Disney World, you may want to stay indoors for a while. Or, like the guy I talk about on this latest episode of THINGS I LEARNED THIS WEEK who went to the happiest place on Earth and, well… just watch this new episode and see for yourself.

Don’t forget to listen to Mark as he puts his twisted sense of humor on display as the guest host of Radio Go Daddy!